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 VAN
+ TOO MANY BANDS = STOP PLAYING!!!
Oh
please let me hear why the band had to stay together.
Let me guess. You guys were on a lame tour you booked
yourself with...you tell me, "Some Blood something"...and
the, ‘oh my god’ the van flipped over! And
‘oh my god’ your lives flashed before you!
And ‘oh man’ the van and all the instruments
were wrecked! The van was so demolished it’s amazing
any of you are even here, but thank god! You were put
here for a reason right? You survived. The band survived
man! Do you know what that means? (You’re not
going to stop?) There must have been a reason no one
got hurt (maybe because you're pussies?). So with no
money, just a credit card with your moms name on it
and your stylish wardrobe and $160 haircut made to not
look like it and your $120 designer jeans and a cool
black T, you guys forged on, cuz you couldn't let those
3 kids down, you had to make it to that show in Lubbock
TX. And the other bands too. They all pretended to care
and everyone helped, not for the sake of genuinely helping,
but to be able to tell the story to others, hoping it
will give the impression of a real scene, a real community
of bands, musicians, artists that care about each other.
Whereas really they just want to tell people what great
guys they are cuz they helped so and so and you out.
So you borrowed instruments from (anyone of 10K bands
here made up of ‘amazing guys’) for the
last set of dates in Amarillo, Lubbock and Odessa and
they are like your best friends now and when we got
back we just had all this material that came from our
experiences and hard times and trial and near death
occurrence and all our new friends, the bands we played
with out there and all the kids we met and all the ‘amazing
shows’.... (Yes, we cannot wait to hear all about
it on the next record). So you know man, this is more
than just a band. We can’t stop now even if we
wanted to...........................................
Douche the whole experience is artificially forced and
no one cares. 5% of kids are not supposed to be in bands
on tours on the road in vans. It’s a simple law
of averages: 5 bands out there in vans equal no accidents.
10, 000 bands out there on the road equals some accidents
and flipped vans and other great stories. It isn’t
fate that your still here. The fate is the equipment
is wrecked; STOP playing is the message. You wouldn't
have the story if you didn't force the whole thing ...get
it? If you and every other jackass who wanted to be
in a band weren’t out there it wouldn't have happened.
Stay home and stop pushing the envelope. The
more assbags in bands driving around the country on
tour in vans, the more overturned vans with assbags
in those bands and in those vans there will be. We can
only hope all the equipment is ruined! |
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Dude, Brah,
How do I Look?
We don’t need to see you, we’ll
hear about you if your any good.
Everyone is stylish and unafraid to pose for the sake of being
the next thing. Most of you bands are not very photogenic,
or worth the film, you don’t look cool, and there is
no reason to get stylish and decked and be the fag you really
are and pose, as your music sucks ass. Just cause everyone
is more stylish than talented and a photographer doesn’t
mean you guys should be taking band photos, especially for
us. Yeah that’s right, people don’t need to see
you. We will hear about it if you are worth a shit. Lets reinforce
that image is everything, not the music, and reiterate that
point on a local, not even anywhere near the fucking building
that has the fucking room that has the fucking table with
the map fucking on it. “It’s a tool the band needs.”
Say again man? “Just making music is not enough to make
it.” Shameless posers!
Yo guys, “We are going to need everyone in your coolest
T shirt, preferably black and mess your hair up like you really
don’t care with that $80 gel you got at the salon following
your last styling that cost another $130, and get out the
diesels and meet back here at dusk. I got some great ideas
for band shots. Dude, you gotta have a band photo to make
it in this thing brah.”
Exterior Scene:
Band and photographer friend meet back at practice
space. They drive into the city to practice to give the impression
they are not from very wealthy suburbs, but in fact are hardcore
urbanites. |
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What
the fuck is this all about? It just shows you most of the little
indie record labels are about as creative as the majors, yet
even more arrogant and more of a fad right now. Have a hot new
label braggin’ all sorts of culture, sign one hot band,
ah hell the whole label is that one band right now, (the shit
you don’t even know you stepped in), put out one record
from them before you lose them, shit out of ideas?......Then
the brilliance comes rolling in, “let’s do a tribute
album.” Gun n Roses? Led Zeppelin? Black Sabbath, Van
Halen, REO Speedwagon, The Cars. There is no limit to how great
an idea this is and we could even stretch it into funny stuff
like Men At Work cuz we know how funny ‘funny’ translates
in music. Did I hear correct a Smashing Pumpkins Tribute record?
How great for Billy, someone validating the dick. The DRI one
was one thing as it was by all dirty punk bands, but the ‘black
t-shirt set’ to do the GNR Tribute record? I can’t
wait. This is going to be so great and awesome!
The difference was we weren’t about the exploitation of
our own accomplishments and capitalizing and exhausting everything
or every one thing we did a minute later.
Can you imagine the dicks that really looked at each other ‘in
a meeting’ and said, “That’s a great idea!”
That’s a great idea? Awesome! |
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Dude,
ok first shot I want you guys here in front of this graffiti
wall on the corner. Intense looks my way please.
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Dude
I gotta better idea, lets hit that willy b waterfront, nothing
says indie intensity like us standing in urban decay. |
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Dude.
We don’t need all that. We are about the music. Lets just
be the flat dudes we are and take a picture at the rehearsal
space.
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Dude,
lets get a shot of us in an alley. It’s the only way
to show we are like as rigid as the 3 concrete planes that
make an alley and there is only one way to go. There aren’t
even alleys where I am from (as you can tell from the pseudo
clean brick wall) but it says a lot about this band. |
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Dude,
we are a touring band, on the road is where we best make our
statement so lets take the band photo on the road. Better yet
in a road, yeah lets just get out here and take the shot in
the middle of the street. We don’t care if we block traffic
for a minute even with this band spirit. “All eyes on
me, except you fancy pants, stare off into nowhere, you little
rebel.” |
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Dude
lets just go on the roof and take the dumb photo and practice
already. “Shit I am glad I wore a tie to practice, I
didn’t even know we were doing a band photo today.”
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By
the way – the photos used in this bashing were taken from
one issue of *** and the photos were all within 2 pages of each
other – holy shit this did need to be said. |
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Come
On Guy, Don't be a Homo
No joke. All I gotta say is I have been to many shows over many
years and I must say I really envy all you young fucking, “think
you dance hard’ fuckers that think you is hardcore as
the one HUGE difference is the amount of really cute girls you
dicks could actually meet at shows if you had any fucking nuts.
Here is a little image of hardcore sausage fest circa 1986. |
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You
wonder why there was so much homophobia and actual fags in the
scene back then not to mention so many accusations as to what
orientation this scene really had. Look at those little angry
mutts. Now
check this cutie rocking the hardcore set.
Here is a list of, I don’t know, thoughts on the subject.
1. The hardcore thing to do would be, ideally, to roll up
on these young hardcore-loving vixens and say something.
2. Hardcore is only as hard or gay as you fags make it.
3. These girls are at a hardcore show, what wouldn’t
they do or try?
4. Ass is ass
5. Hardcore ass is ass
6. You and your friends are gay
7. The girls may be there because they actually like one of
you pussies
8. Don’t post on a message board a day later about that
cute girl you never said “hi” to at the show the
day before.
9. These young ladies are actually into something you are,
I am married believe me there are only differences. If I could
talk hardcore and old shows with my girl I wouldn’t
be ready to kill myself.
10. Macking on girls at a show is not gay. Taking your shirts
off and dancing with other sweaty dudes, is gay!
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